This article is your chance to assess your daily compromises, make impactful changes, and prioritise self-care through audits in undermining.
Bullying is considered any experience of undermining in discrimination and exclusion. The feeling of undermining is made worst by short cuts and carelessness in understanding and dependable values; creating a compromise in trust. Trust is made up of understanding and dependability, giving space emotionally and physically to fully allow a person to explain and express themselves in a way that suits them, to enable a constructive relationship, that is reliable and can enable growth and expansion. This in turn allows relating to be reciprocal, shared and inspirational. Bullying is not just local to families, work or social dynamics, it can be political, global and come from belief systems in lifestyle. Compromises in how we live day to day can slowly eat away at our ability to be healthy and sustainable.
Bullying often happens due to insecurities, unfamiliar sensations, a sense of disconnection, or estrangement. The person bullying, looks to take control, to dominate and to lead in a direction to favour their self interest, status and position. This is magnified through social or work politics and power dynamics.
Distorted Power dynamics are developed through compromises to primary needs. In social situations those needs are social, in work those needs are orientated around work needs, in family situations they are orientated around family etc, It is worth looking at the environmental elements specifically. Socially there is a need for emotional connection, understanding, acceptance, entertainment, empowerment. In work there is a need for resources of time, money, growth, status or authority. In family the needs are around food, water, breathing, shelter, intimacy, home. All areas rely on a person ‘being heard’ and understood. Active listening is an important lead when power dynamics start to become distorted.
Emotional neglect can create vacuums that are very present when there is a lot of avoidance and dismissive behaviour. This again can add to distortion of power dynamics and can create specific roles in polarities in control, coercive behaviour and loss of fluidity in relating, meaning the relationship leans to one person having their needs met more favourably than the other. Understanding the main areas of concern in power dynamics; in demand to avoid, pursue to distance, create fear to shame helps us to become aware of when these gaps in relating and emotional understanding turn into painful undermining areas of disfunction and anxiety. To enable security and secure relating; ‘understanding’, equality, fairness, sustainability, inclusion and sharing become key values in change and to re-evaluate concerns in persons holding power.
Traditionally we think of power as a fallacy, like a column or a high rise building, a ladder of success, when there is a ‘lean’ or the tower begins to fall, we look at if the factors that bound the relationship in the first place, were they built on solid foundations? Did the relationship have the experience, the dependability, the communications skills, maturity, integrity to form sustainable growth. Did the relationship have an openness to be a key participant in the status quo, existing state of being? We can find that when there are a lot of powerful relationships at work, in which authority comes from position, status or entitlement instead of experience and knowledge, the tower can be like a house of cards that falls to the ground when it dysfunctions; the air representing the vacuum, the dynamics just fall away, implode internally and there is often a fall out.
A ‘family’ house of cards can fall after the death of dominant parent, when power is used in families to assert control at the cost of other members well being; instead of caring for each other’s primary needs in home, water, food, shelter and comfort; persons seek ownership of objects, home ownership, objects of desire to gain some level of control. The family members seek to dominate and project their needs and controls on other family members, making them feel in ‘lack’, by asserting control through objects of desire and want, to control the family. There maybe exclusion and coercive behaviour, experienced in this dynamic. This behaviour can go beyond character and learning, to a place of self interest and favour so that that the person ‘governing’ gains freedom in having their needs met, no matter what cost to the other family members, in respect to their feelings, needs or wants. This behaviour undermines persons and creates huge distortions around siblings, who may form areas of attention deficit later in life. They then in turn search for ways to enable more elevation, control, attention and favour, through seeking ways of gaining power in unhealthy ways: finding ways to ‘win’ attention and care through competitive angles on proving their worth through values of success that can lack meaning or demonstrate a struggle in finding direction driven by purpose.
When looking at primary needs in family, look deeply at your relationships to the following:
Water, do you enjoy the taste, do you trust the water available to you is super clean? Do you have to buy spring water? Do you have access to a spring? are you able to drink enough? Have you replaced water with a 'co-dependant element’ liquid like coffee, tea or alcohol, do you re-hydrate with electrolytes? Do you give yourself spring water, to attune the body to a pure and nourishing experiences, allowing your nervous system, brain and organs to function effectively?
Shelter - How do you feel about your home? Are you able to feel safe? Do your values express themselves in the home, in relationship to family, children, equality and hosting? Are your skills supported through the housing of self expression in the home? Do you have what you need from a home? Are you able to save money and live in a sustainable way through your earnings and the process of becoming a home owner? Are you looking to own more than one property? How does this goal impact your children or other family members, are you able to value your family members beyond a financial value?
Intimacy - intimacy derives from comfort when we are young. Were your emotions heard in a deep and meaningful way when you were a child, where you given physical comfort through hugs, holding hands, being tucked up in bed?
The emotional journey of emotional intimacy and comfort leads to sexual intimacy later in life. ‘Avoiding’ emotional intimacy but seeking sexual intimacy can create a superficial and self interested pathway through objectifying sexual interests as ‘objects of desire’ and ownership, without enabling bonding or taking time in forming relationships with reciprocal values.
How do you bring comfort to yourself and others, how do you form emotional understanding and sexual intimacy? Sexual chemistry arises through a channelling of sexual energy based on a deeper soul value, sometimes those relationships are karmic and sometimes they are based on a true love. It is important to see if your relationship arose through an equal power dynamic that expresses mutual respect and understanding and empathy to enable sustainable paths in growth and care. Equal power dynamics are essential in healthy relating.
Breathing - Do you have a good relationship with the rhythm of your breathing, taking a step back when anxiety has an effect. Can you walk through woodland to enjoy pure oxygen? Do you give your self time, energy and space to fully experience breathing? Do you have enough emotional and physical space to enjoy breathing properly?
Food - Are you able to source foods that enable your nourishment and function in a way that suits your lifestyle, beliefs and growth. Are you able to enjoy a satisfying experience of taste that enables harmony and integrity in food from natural and organic sources so that our bodies can reach high levels of function, immunity and support? Does food play a crucial role in keeping you healthy and providing an area of sharing with those you care about?
Money - Have you positioned yourself in a way that money leads to a sustainable life? That the resources come from a wise source that enables positive impact and expansion? Can you sustain the work you are in? Does it bring you the benefits of self expression so you can enjoy living as your true self? Are you working towards financial security? Have you a plan in place that enables secure foundations and an expansion of lifestyle?
In a family home in which these ‘concerns’ are stressed, a need to control, take, project takes place and we experience competitive controlling values of dominance, narcism and rivalry. This can lead to bullying and sibling fallouts. The equal distribution of the above primary needs can reduce distortions in power dynamics and help reduce attention deficit elements later in life. Encouraging children to listen to each other, empathise and to help each other learn, grow, relate, find success, can help reduce fighting, competitive behaviour and fall outs.
The primary resources in work are normally around, time, energy, money, status, authority. We work to find purpose in a direction that enables the needs of family and lifestyle, ambition to find authority. In work we can find that time and money is not properly accounted for, there can be short cuts through management in not valuing our time, energy or expertise, thereby belittling us and exploiting us as a resource. We look for positions that value us as a resource for a company or service provider, in enabling investment strategy as part of a team. When we work as part of a team we immediately operate in a political environment in which we have to remain neutral to opinions, ideas and demands or we can become entangled in complex projections of power. We can take authority in ‘leading’ direction and initiating direction through the role we are given authority to navigate but we must be careful to fully understand the environment and factors that play a part in that environment.
Audits on working Resources and Values -
Time - Are you finding you are doing extra work that is in your time allocated for family or self interest? Do you notice that the demands from your work are not fully accounted for? Is there flexibility with understanding around dependants and health concerns? Are you able to sustain enough time and energy to be fully present in your work time, home time and lifestyle options, enabling a sense of ‘self ownership’ and sovereignty rather than feeling ‘owned’ by work? Do you have enough time off to be fully yourself outside the work environment? Or are you expected to carry who you are in to your home life and personal areas of interest?
Money - Are you being rewarded for your intellectual property, time and understanding in ways that are far reaching and lead to sustainable lifestyle options in home, home ownership, travel and adventure? Are you able to grow and expand in your desires, inspiration and form trust around the growth ladder?
Energy - Are you able to sustain working practice in emotion, focus and drive to give energy to your wake up time, gym time, eating time and home work time. Giving ways that enable simple things like washing, child care, parental care to take place. Giving time to administration in bills, accounts, utility bill phone calls, car problems and solutions? Do you feel able to deal with the automated systems that take up a lot of our time and energy in this modern world? Is there an accountability around the time and energy used so that there is flexibility to deal with life concerns? Are you able to run things on a level that is highly functional and effective using systems that enable quick processes and communications, travel times to be reduced, by receiving a sustainable amount of care in personal need and travel allowance. Notice where you ‘leak’ energy in frustration, slow pace, dysfunction, need; spend a moment working out if there is a more functional answer.
Status - Does your position enable you to make decisions in leading a direction that gives you the authority to use values and processes to enable fairness, sustainability, equality, inclusion, inspiration and sharing? Are you able to develop a work culture that enables a healthy and operative bonding to teams in which all members are heard and actively participate. Does your status in personal power and high function enable drive, direction and inspiration to fulfil and satisfy your team, so that you can assert healthy values and a great working culture?
Audits on Social Values
Have a look at the following values and assess how much priority you give them in your life, do any of them need attention in your relationship to them, how do you relate to these aspects through your friendships and personal values?
Emotional intimacy, Kindness, Entertainment, Understanding, Dependability, Empathy, Adventure, Inspiration, Presence, Inclusion, Sharing…
Status - Has the person’s status been earned or is there an area of entitlement? If inherited has the person learnt the values of power and how to assert fair values? Do they have natural personal power in charisma and understanding, are they naturally attractive or do they dominate through other forms of interest?
Objects of Desire - Art, collections of objects, fast cars, jewellery, homes, lifestyle options. How do you relate to objects and ownership, power through objects?
When a child claims ownership on an object he/she really desires, or a toy he/she can’t live without, they are trying to claim a level of control in their personal power and elevate their position within the household. They can have quite persuasive tantrums and find ways to control the outcome, they may even get the object they are after, then assert an authority, bring powerful controls towards access rights on their toy or game, they may take on a persona of a teacher, parent and may even start ‘policing’ the management of the experience. This is especially distorted when there are in-balances of resources in early childhood. The child may grow up with a high level of entitlement and struggle to assert themselves with a voice, active listening and fair values.
Sexual Intimacy - Personal Relationship Resources and Distortions to Power Dynamics
Sexual Intimacy - Sexual Intimacy and power dynamics have a direct relationship. Accepting money, power and sexuality as entwined enables an ability to see when exploitation arises and fairness in sharing, equality are compromised. The lean of the relationship, to another’s needs and personal gain can be effective especially when there is an area of ‘unavailability’ in time, presence, or responsibility. Recognising inequality in these areas can enable personal detachment. Power dynamics that operate from a place of trust in sexual intimacy but lack equality in sharing and fairness can create vacuums, deception, betrayal and can lean to one persons favour being met, over another, even if the original intention to create equality and honour the relationship was there in the first place. People can get locked into this entanglement for years, not recognising the inequality but feeling the frustration and the injustice. There is a sense in the lack of fairness, in which a person hopes for change and a level playing field, this is often promised but not adhered to. When a relationship enters a place of deception, there is a level of secrecy and exploitation that can provide a ‘convenience’, this favours the person who is wanting to operate in the shadows. The losses can be highly impactful on family life, children, home, security, family values, partnership, companionship and friendship. Building life from a place of equality and sharing resources in the ‘build’ through companionship, partnership, money and values, can create expansion, security and wealth as long as the relationship is aligned in trust, friendship and companionship and strategies are agreed upon. Looking at attention deficits in early childhood can help to explain the emotional neglectful patterns and give understanding, to build self esteem, so that foundations of emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy can be found in adult relationships and produce equality. Looking at early childhood emotional presence and availability enables changes in power dynamics, in which emotional intimacy is given more value and care when engaging with someone who has sexual chemistry. Both parties need to take care of bonding at the beginning of a relationship, when forming trust and emotional understanding, putting off sexual expression until the relationship is in a well bonded state. Agreements can be made and safeguarding can take place; making sure the relating part of the relationship is taken care of before entering the more complex dynamics in sexual intimacy.
Remaining Neutral and Non Judgemental as a Vehicle for Change
Change is possible through the re-assessment of values and re-building relationships to primary needs, making sure all primary needs are plentiful and sustainable. To enable political change, we allow transformation in by bringing transparency to social behaviour and impact.
With the cost of living and strains on some financial areas, we are currently in times in which distortions grossly play out in community life; creating entitlement, movements in reclaiming water supplies through springs, a need to really look after our woodlands so we can breath easily, recognition on compromises on our ‘rights on buying a home’ due to lack of financial sustainability when buying. Simple ways to harness personal energy resources in both the home and through work. We see complex projections of power through loss of family values and community values with more controls, limits on lifestyles and a covering up of failures, leading to conspiracy and gross radical doubt in developing a dependable path of growth in freedom and security.
Our purpose in change is to enable healthy water systems, oxygen through woodlands, eco-systems that enable plenty of food and energy systems to create sustainable economic systems; giving freedom of movement in security and trust, so that we can form dependable relationships with security and community values that lean at creating vocational and ecological beneficiaries. This in turn has the ability to elevate us through inspiration that allows high vibration thinking in creativity, movement, intimacy, home and personal wealth.
The future is available to all of us, but it is important we respect our fundamental needs in personal power resources to enable growth and affluence as this has a direct impact on all of our relationships and how we nurture a world full of trust and fulfilment.
The values that enable healthy power dynamics are fairness, sustainability, inclusion, sharing, equality; weaving these values into the fabric of our home, creates a sustainable Earth.
Please message me via the main website to book a consultation. for coaching or to bring change to a situation - www.insightforlife.co
Further Reading
Stop that Bully - Steve Wharton
Non Violent Communication - Marshall B. Rosenberg PHD
Facing Co-Dependance Pia Mellody (Harper One)
Assertiveness for Teenagers - Maria Van Noord
Understanding Disorganised Attachment - David Shemmings and Yvonne Shemmings
Scattered Minds - Gabor Mate - The Origins and Healing of the Attention Deficit Disorder.
Childhood Emotional Neglect, Strategies for coping with childhood emotional Neglect.Personality Psychoanalysis Paperback – 13 May 2021 by Gemma Czerwinski
Quantum Jumps by Cynthia Larson - An extra ordinary science of happiness and prosperity
The following are important considerations when understanding Bullying -
Power Dynamics - It is helpful to understand all the different forms of power dynamic through open research, especially understanding early childhood at the research of Dr. Carmela Garcia Manas, The Voice of Early Childhood and Power Dynamics.
Politics and how that effects groups, departments, cultures.
Attachment Theory, by Bowlby and Ainsworth - How a persons attachment style affects their behaviour.
Coaching with therapeutic processes, are good ways of moving persons and teams through different understandings around all and teaching communication styles that are positive, constructive and influential.
A Note -
For me it has become increasingly important to visit some of the wells and springs in the UK, to understand the difference of cared for 'Spring Water' a resource from nature.
The profound journeys and experiences I have had, have taken me mainly to Cornwall, but also to the South of France and Northern Spain. I have also tested the water locally of a once well known spring in South Oxfordshire, which was full of bacteria. The difference of bacteria filled water, to natural spring water that is available to all of us for free and has a life force that is healthy, is really a profound experience worthy of celebration. The wells of Cornwall are often considered Holy and are being restored. We need to take care of our water supplies, too many natural springs and rivers have bacteria and extreme levels of harmsful substances. We need to recognise our rights in drinking from the earths bountiful supply and put pressure on water companies to protect the natural eco-system in water, this is a primary need moving into our future to create resiliance.
The Jesus Well, Minerva Cornwall. To join me on my spiritual and creative journeys please join me on instagram - amanda.mcgregor
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