Co-dependence is often misinterpreted. An overused term that isn’t just about being overly available in a caring, or self-sacrificing role, or having a heavy addiction. Co-dependence is a survival pattern shaped by extreme power imbalances, often beginning in childhood. When someone grows up in an environment where their needs are secondary, due to a dominant parent, emotional neglect, trauma or bullying.
In everyday life, this might look like putting others first, forming intense emotional bonds, struggling to assert clear boundaries, or feeling guilty for having personal needs, operating from a place of duty, rather than personal priority, or struggling to commit to pathways to do with development plans.
Co-dependence is also widely misunderstood, especially in the context of addiction. It’s easy to dismiss a co-dependent person as overly emotional, chaotic, or ‘out of order’, without recognising that their behaviour is often a reaction to long-term exposure to control, narcissism, avoidant dismissiveness, or bullying.
Many co-dependent individuals have spent their lives managing the emotions of others, often those who are unpredictable or dominant and this constant hyper-vigilance can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms, including addiction, anxiety, or burnout. Rather than being inherently ‘needy’ or ‘unstable,’ they are often people who have been trained to survive by appeasing those with more power. This makes them particularly vulnerable to further exploitation in relationships, workplaces, therapeutic and caregiving roles, reinforcing the cycle of co-dependence. There are also many gifts that often come through this powerful dynamic; highly developed empathy, vigilance, hyper focus, high functioning intelligence, emotional intelligence, spiritual intelligence, a developed understanding in behaviour science and developed intuitive skills.
The journey of recovery and freedom, is about re-finding one’s autonomy in emotional well being, financial autonomy, financial sustainability, the accounting of personal experience, effective re-numeration in work; leading to a sustainable outcome in which the foundations of primary needs and profits are met in a way that enables growth and the development of an expansive life.
When a parent projects their own agendas, exploits through their needs, wants, or if they govern an outcome. If they control for their personal comfort, sense of safety, to protect fears, or to live through the child. They may unconsciously or consciously think they are more important than their child - more interesting, or more in need. If they exploit, if they set a path based on these principles, a cycle of co-dependence can form, that can be difficult to break free from.
The child becomes caught in an emotional overhang, unable as an adult to fully step into their own autonomy because their worth has been tied to serving the parent’s expectations, their needs, their world. The relationship a child has to their survival needs can be disabled from a very young age, meaning as an adult its also very hard to secure safety, a home, feel valued and to develop meaningful relationships.
Often the relationship to siblings can become strained, as the siblings can also relate to the power dynamic; in avoidance, bullying, narcissism, coercive enforcement, inequality; taking advantage or disrespecting the one carrying the weight of the complications. This concern often remains present in adult life but develops from childhood.
This dynamic can weaken financial independence, often leading to a life of servitude, whether emotionally, physically, or financially; Instead of being supported into independence and self-sufficiency. This is because the relationship to primary needs, has areas of significant concern. In respect to acute co-dependency, external support is often needed to break the cycle.
The child internalises the imbalance, adapting by becoming a carer and loving unconditionally. As an adult they can often take on a therapeutic or health care role. Through this pathology they are actually forced through survival to over-extend on a heart level, anesthetising pain and forming unconditionally loving relationships. The person prioritises the parent’s needs over their own and forms intense relationships in which they take care of others. This is especially true for those who are already financially vulnerable or the most deeply affected by the entrapment of co-dependence.
A child should be loved simply for being themselves. That alone should be enough. In a healthy family dynamic, they would be nurtured towards independence, given the space to develop their own life, interests and choices. But when primary needs go unmet; whether emotional, financial, or even the basic security of being seen and valued, things can implode and the person can become trapped.
There are nations in which through the power imbalance occupation and dictatorship, this can be seen in the culture of the people; for instance the Philippines, India, Latin American and China. It is time to set people free, to empower those that operate on a heart level and want the best for all, in development and communications without exploitation. Many of these persons are under valued, some agencies trade 'care' professionals around the world. In some countries like Saudi Arabia their passports are hidden or stolen, yet they are expected to work in a servitude culture that lacks human rights; they are vulnerable to exploitation through modern slavery, a sense of equality and mutual respect is lost through the power imbalance and the 'robbing' of their freedom.
Children often become the vehicle for a parent’s unfulfilled desires or unresolved wounds. They are drawn into an adult's, or parent’s agendas, expected to carry burdens and to live out roles that were never theirs to choose, or hold caught up in compromising situations that can govern their future and reduce their ability to sustain life; they too can become victims to modern slavery through abuse and exploitation.
This is a cycle that needs breaking. A person should not have to earn their place in a family through sacrifice. Love should never be conditional on how much someone serves another’s needs. True support is about enabling growth, enabling financial independence, through supporting development and growth and not keeping someone in a position of dependency.
Signs of Co-Dependence in a Parent
Their Needs Always Come First – They consistently prioritise their emotions, desires, or crises over yours. If you are struggling, the focus is quickly redirected to their stress, pain, or what they need from you.
You Feel Responsible for Their Well-Being – You feel like you have to keep them happy, regulate their emotions, or ensure their stability, even at your own expense.
Guilt and Obligation Shape Your Relationship – They use guilt 'after all I’ve done for you', or obligation 'you owe me this as my child', or 'you are better off doing this kind of work', 'you are my child', but 'you are my daughter/son', to keep you in a serving role rather than respecting your autonomy.
They Undermine Your Independence – Instead of encouraging you to be self-sufficient, financially prosperous, they make you feel incapable or ungrateful for wanting to step away, they may disable you from a relationship with your primary survival needs - safe shelter, clean water, emotional intimacy, financial security, physical comfort, nutritious food. They may discourage career growth, relationships, or financial independence as it means losing control over you. They may encourage an expectation around failure, belittlement, loss, financial ruin, invisibility.
They Struggle with Boundaries – They dismiss your boundaries, making you feel selfish or unreasonable for needing space, emotional and physical boundaries, or autonomy. Quite often dismissing and denying your needs putting you back into survival mode, with unrealistic goals or insecure or unsafe environments.
Your Achievements Are About Them – They take credit for your successes, not acknowledging your care, your input, they push you towards achievements that reflect well on them, rather than what you truly want.
Signs of Exploitation in a Parent
They Use You for Their Benefit and in Ways they Value – Whether emotionally, financially, or physically, they rely on you in a way that is beyond normal family support. This could mean using you as an emotional or physical crutch, expecting financial or emotional support, or controlling your choices, your reality to serve their needs.
You Are Expected to Sacrifice for Them – Your education, career, relationships, or happiness are secondary to keeping them comfortable or meeting their expectations or aspirations, they maybe quite devious in creating this. You may need to play down your presence or existence creating a sense of ‘invisibility’.
They Gaslight or Manipulate You – They deny past behaviours, or mistakes, making you question your own feelings, or reality. They may use emotional blackmail or guilt to keep you compliant with duty and loyalty, due to fear of abandonment.
You Feel Drained After Interacting with Them – Rather than feeling supported, you leave interactions feeling exhausted, guilty, or burdened, this can lead to burn out and illness.
They Have a Sense of Ownership Over You – They treat you as an extension of themselves rather than a separate person with your own rights, emotions, and aspirations.
To break free from this cycle it is important to recognise that love shouldn’t be conditional or in servitude. You are not responsible for fulfilling a parent’s unmet needs or reducing their emotional pain. Establish firm boundaries – Distance, space, physical boundaries, or firm communication may be needed to break the cycle.
Prioritise your own independence – Financial and emotional autonomy are key to reclaiming your life with an accounting around sustainability, profits and needs that enable growth.
Seek support through therapy, self-reflection and connecting with others who understand, can help you navigate these dynamics.
A parent should love and support their child simply for who they are, not for what they provide. If their love feels transactional or dependent on your sacrifice, or their convenience, it is likely a sign of co-dependence or exploitation rather than a healthy bond.
Coping Strategies for People-Pleasing Attachment in Children of Co-Dependent Adults
Growing up with a co-dependent parent often forces a child into a role where they become hyper-aware of others’ needs at the expense of their own. Their survival feels dependent on keeping the parent happy, or another happy whilst maintaining harmony, and avoiding conflict. This leads to people-pleasing attachment, where love and security feel conditional on servitude. Over time, this shapes survival strategies, relationships, and a struggle with power dynamics.
1. Survival Needs and the Fear of Rejection
A child of a co-dependent adult often grows up with unmet primary survival needs (security, food, shelter, emotional safety), not because they were completely absent, but because access to them was controlled by the parent’s emotional state.
The child learns:
"If I meet their needs, I’ll be safe."
"If I upset them, my security is at risk."
"I have to suppress my own needs to survive.”
This creates servitude-based survival, where the individual learns to trade personal boundaries for a sense of safety.
How to Move Past It:
Recognise that survival should not be dependent on pleasing others – True security comes from autonomy, not from external validation.
Practice self-sufficiency – Building financial independence, emotional resilience, and a strong sense of self can help break this cycle.
Challenge the belief that rejection = danger
Being disliked or disappointing someone is not a threat to survival. Being abandoned may trigger fear but looking at the nature of the relationship, one normally finds the love was conditional in the first place.
2. Relationships and the Need for Approval
People-pleasers often struggle with forming equal relationships because they were conditioned to believe love is earned and has to be fought for, it is not freely given.
They may:
Attract partners or friends who exploit their giving nature.
Struggle to express needs for fear of being "too much."
Over-extend themselves to avoid conflict or disapproval.
Form relationships with attention deficit; concerns over attention, co-dependence and narcissism.
How to Move Past It:
Reframe relationships as mutual exchanges – Healthy connections don’t require constant self-sacrifice.
Assert boundaries without guilt – Saying “no” is not selfish; it’s self-respect.
Recognise manipulation – If someone only values you for what you provide, it’s not a real connection.
3. Attention and Emotional Validation
A child of a co-dependent parent often craves recognition, attention and approval because their self-worth was shaped by being needed. They may:
Feel invisible unless they are fixing something for someone.
Struggle to feel valuable outside of serving others.
Fear being seen as selfish if they focus on their own needs.
Use belittlement and invisibility to reduce their presence and silence their voice.
How to Move Past It:
Shift the source of validation inward – Self-worth should not depend on being useful to others or on what you can offer to others.
Allow yourself to take up space – You are allowed to exist without justifying your presence through service or how you can be of help to another.
Develop a self-identity outside of roles – Who are you when you are not meeting others’ needs?
4. Moving Past Exploitation and Reclaiming Personal Power
A co-dependent parent often undermines autonomy to keep their child emotionally bound to them. This results in:
Fear of asserting power – Any expression of personal will may be punished.
Struggle with authority – Either being too submissive or overly rebellious.
Feeling indebted to others – An internalised belief that you must "repay" love with service, transaction, or withdraw to not be a burden.
How to Move Past It:
Recognise the power imbalance – Understand where you were conditioned to give up your autonomy.
Rewrite your internal hierarchy – You are not beneath anyone; your needs are equally important.
Challenge ‘owing’ mentalities – You do not owe endless service just because someone raised or supported you.
5. Breaking the Power Dynamic of Servitude
Many children of co-dependent adults become trapped in a disempowered state, always seeking permission, feeling disabled, forming relationships with abusive power dynamics, or waiting to be chosen instead of forming healthy relationship and business connections.
This is a direct result of being conditioned into servitude rather than developing support for self-direction. Developing an understanding around your relationship to your survival needs and how to create a healthy experience of sustaining life, in which there is enough energy, emotionally and financially to develop a strong and expansive future - physically, materially, mentally and spiritually.
Do reach out to doctors, charities, domestic abuse helplines, citizens advice, to help find direction, create financial understanding and help around exploitation, work rights and safe home, to enable a strong future in which you feel valued and safe.
Reclaiming Power:
Self-authority – Instead of seeking approval, validate your own choices.
Radical self-ownership – Take full control of your life without waiting for external permission.
Release inherited servitude – Recognise that you were conditioned into a supporting role, but you can step into the lead role in your own life.
Love Should Be Unconditional
A child should never have to earn their place in a family through servitude. Love should be unconditional and true support means enabling independence, not enforcing dependence through transaction. Breaking free from playing small, service, care giver attachment is about reclaiming choice, autonomy, safety and self-worth. Caring as a daughter or son, is with a comfortable set of choices and with many expressions of love and care that enable a freedom to fully be yourself and find flourishing financial and emotional autonomy in the process.
This 3 hour online course in the link, is for parents, care givers, learning support in education environments to intervene with a child's development with the above in mind. The course is designed to help both children and adults - Special Educational Therapy - Certified Course, C.M.A. for Learning Environments and Schools - https://www.insightforlife.co/challenges
Links to Human Rights Laws - https://www.insightforlife.co/post/breaking-free-from-modern-slavery-how-uk-law-can-help-you-reclaim-liberation-and-spiritual-growth
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